you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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