i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
