Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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