Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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