Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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