i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize