i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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