Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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