You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize