plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
