4 words: hood of his car
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
