paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
