Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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