Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
