R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
