I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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