Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
