After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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