Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
