I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize