My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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