Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
