I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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