Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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