He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize