I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
