If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
