my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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