I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
