I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
