Pants 0. Shit 1.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
