I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
