I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
