What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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