when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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