God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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