this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
