i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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