The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
