he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
