I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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