My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
