Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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