Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
