hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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