I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
