I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
