Buhtt sex?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize