My hand turned me down
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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