I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
