maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
