If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I supernannyed him into submission
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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