I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
