if i can run in heels then i can drive
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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