i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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