So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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