I just pynch a tree in the face
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
