There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
