that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
